I'm really not dead. Or even seriously injured. Just, between school, work, big bang fic, and getting ready for surgery (OMG MONDAY!!!), I'm not having a lot of time to be all posty. I probably won't have much time to update in the next couple weeks, but I will try to let you all know how the surgery goes (again, OMG MONDAY).

Although I do want to say, real quick, that I got the cutest damn haircut in the world. I might post pictures if I could ever find my digital camera. ;)

ETA: Um, really?

A pathetic plea...

Just had my wisdom teeth out and I hurt like crazy. Yeah righ, nice helpful people, it does hurt. I now very much want to punch every single person who said, "It doesn't hurt after it's over! You'll just be a little swollen, and the vicodin takes care of the pain!" I'd rather be prepared for hurting...I wouldn't have made stupid plans, thinking it wasn't going to be a big deal.

ANYWAY.

My family has gone shopping, I'm lonely (vicodin always makes me depressed) and in pain, and I would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE if people would rec me some happy fic (slash prefered) or come chat with me on Yahoo IM (lizzypaul).

(Plus side to my day...Dad and Mom are seriously thinking about getting me an iphone for Christmas. It's not for sure, but seriously thinking beats laughing in my face any day. I really do have two of the most awesome parents in the word--and not just because they buy me fun toys!)

School is awesome!

I <3 my Chemistry teacher. I think I might *gasp* actually learn stuff this year! :) I already have a study group set up, and even though one of the girls spent literally 15 minutes (literally, mizzmarvel, I was so watching the clock!) criticizing my new hair color (which, geez, I was hoping that kind of bitchery would be over after high school), I think it's going to be great.

I'm kind of in love with my women's history teacher.

The homework load may possibly kill me, especially with the extra work I'm starting to do with my aunt, but all in all, I'm very happy and optimistic about this semester.

(I sill have almost all of my Hot Button Kink fic to write, and it's due 8/31. I have it all outlined, and I pretty much know exactly how it's going to go, but it hasn't gotten from my brain to the computer, yet, because I suck a lot. BUT I SHALL PREVAIL.)

Apropos of nothing, I've eaten nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the past few days. I'm sure this is probably not healthy, but honestly, the thought of eating anything else makes me sick to my stomach, and I'm not all that keen about the sandwiches. This too shall pass, I'm sure, but it's still kind of funny.

I uploaded the rest of our trip pictures, and thought I'd share.

First, a cute little brother story:

My little brother recently got a very nice digital camcorder. I hate being filmed, so I told him he wasn't allowed to take pictures/movies of me without permission. He turned to Mom and asked if he could videotape her.

"As long as it's flattering," she answered.

He turned the camera on Mom and started to film. "This is my Mom," he narrated. "She's very beautiful and really nice. I like her hat."

It certainly was a flattering video! :)

( Cut for lots of pictures. )

Well, I'm finally home!

After going to the Grand Canyon, we took the LONG way home, and went through Zion National Park, which was (IMHO) even more amazing than the Grand Canyon. Yesterday, we started out in St. George, Utah, headed across the 15 through Nevada and Arizona, and drove up the 395 so we could go through Yosemite on the way. Took forever, but it was so worth it. I'm exhausted, though.

( A few pictures of the Grand Canyon, if you're interested. )

I'll try to upload pics from the rest of the trip later. :)

Whew! Life changed a lot in 24 hours.

I ended up tagging along with my family on a vacation to the Grand Canyon. I'm currently in Flagstaff, Arizona. LONG-ASS DRIVE. After 16+ hours in the car, my butt is numb and I still feel like I'm moving. I had two younger kids in the car with me, and we listened to Disney CDs the whole way. (I rather like the classic Disney song remixes, and High School Musical is awesome. I'm so 12. But I kind of want to track down the person who told Jesse McCartney that he could sing and slap him real hard.)

My first impression of Arizona: LIGHTNING OMG.

Never seen the Grand Canyon, so I'm looking forward to that. Update with pictures, hopefully, tomorrow! Yay for wireless access at the hotel.

IT'S SHARK WEEK!!!

It's like Christmas. ::snuggles TV:: One week out of the year where there is no arguing over what to watch. Discovery channel 24-7, baby!

Also, skipping along on my fandom induced journey to hell, I have discovered nfl_rps and fallen in love. It's so embarrassing.

PS: For those of you who pray, if you could pray for Shamika, a woman in our church, I would really appreciate it. She's been in the hospital for about a week with pneumonia. It's resistant to antibiotics and she isn't getting any better. She's a single mom with an adorable three-year-old, and it's a very hard, scary situation. I told her I've got some great pray-ers on my flist, and I'd put the request out there. Thanks!

ETA: Shamika just lost her job. Her boss said: "Everyone has a sad story." WTF??? Shamika is VERY upset, understandably. Just spent a couple hours w/ her in the hospital, and she is extremly depressed. :(

My "little sister", V., is coming to stay with me for a week. Her family and mine are going to the Grand Canyon, but V. really doesn't want to go and I've been volunteered to stay and look after her. My dilemma:

She's 15, suffers from depression, self-injures, and just broke up with her boyfriend, who she was sure was the love of her life. And she's all mine for a week! So...should I try to schedule a lot of activites? I thought she might like to go to the city, and I'm looking for a concert or something (she loves punk music). Also, figured we'd go to the mall and to a movie. But maybe I should just let her be? But I don't want her to mope. I don't know what to do!

Sigh. I'm just going to play it by ear and hope for the best. She usually likes hanging out at my place, and I hope she doesn't resent her mother's insistance that she needs supervision. Fingers crossed.

I've been attending a new church for the past couple weeks...New Hope MCC. It's a really great place. As most of you know, I've been looking for a more gay-accepting church, and New Hope certainly is an inclusive place! Everyone I've met there is really nice. It's a very warm, welcoming environment.

On the flipside, it's a very small congregation, and they don't have a lot of activities. Church stuff is pretty limited...Sunday morning service and that's it. They have other fellowship activites, but no other opportunities for bible study or Sunday School. And after having attended really small churches for the last sevenish years, I was kind of hoping to get back in a church where there was more than and hour once a week.

So...pros: inclusive environment, great people (I love the pastor), inspired preaching, I agree with their core beliefs (a good thing!), opportunity for service.

Cons: Small. Don't feel like my spiritual needs are being met (I really really miss bible study and Sunday School).

I'm trying to decide whether to stay here for awhile longer or start "shopping around". There is a an inclusive Methodist church (which would be cool) in the area, and a couple UCC's, but looking at the website for the UCC, the average age seems to be around 50, and I'd like to find someplace with people my own age.

Well, I'll pray about it. There's a lot of sadness mixed in with my search...I feel like I'm cutting ties with my childhood, almost. My Mom doesn't understand why I won't hang at church activities (her church) and I can't explain that it just hurts. Mom also feels uncomfortable trying to explain why I'm searching for a new place to worship, and she is pushing me to tell people myself. Tell them what? Should I just show up to bible study one night and go, "Hey guys, I'm gay!" What would that accomplish? (Also, the thought of that makes me want to throw up.) Maybe I'm a coward.

GAH. Sorry for being so emo.

Here are the (very random) things in my life that I'm enjoying:

1) Annie On My Mind. I had heard a lot of criticism about this book, but I LOVE it. It's such a beautiful story of two girls falling in love, and I didn't find it super depressing at all...it didn't end with a suicide or murder, and while it didn't tie up all perfect and happy, it felt real, and was hopeful. Beautiful descriptions and wonderful characters. I highly recommend it. (However, I do like Nancy Garden's later book, Good Moon Rising, better.)

2) Febreze Noticeables, especially Morning Walk and Cleansing Rain. It makes my room smell fresh and happy without being overpowering.

3) Arby's Beef and Chedder sandwiches. Yum. I'm kind of addicted to Arby Sauce, though.

4) Barlowgirl. Christian music that I actually like! Gasp! They have kind of an Evanescence sound, very beautiful, deep lyrics. I especially like "Porcelain Heart".

5) Glamorise Longline Posture Bra from Just My Size. It really reduced the back pain I get from my big boobies, fits perfectly, is slimming (well, as slimming as you can get when you're a size 24) and is really just the most perfect bra ever.

Today was awesome.

Saw one of my best friends today for the first time in ages. Y'know, we go months, sometimes years, without seeing each other, but when we get together, it's like no time has passed. Also, there was no drama about the gay thing, which I was a bit worried about. She was totally cool. Amusingly we managed to discus it without once saying the word lesbian. (Hey, Tori: I'M A BIG DYKE, YO. See, I can say it, as long as I'm not looking at you!)

I escorted my friend, her boyfriend, and her mom around the city. We didn't do much...Japantown and the Wharf...but it was fun. Her boyfriend is adorable! He gets the Erin Seal of Approval. Bought much pocky and hi-chews, and managed to refrain from buying manga that I can't afford.

We're getting together later to watch Supernatural and squee about incest! Finally, someone I can share my filthy new habit with.

So today rocked, even though I'm going to pay for overextending myself for the rest of the week. I was on so much pain medication to keep going that I hope I wasn't too loopy. But so, so worth it. :)

So I am (SLOWLY) learning how to drive stick, because the car my parents bought, primarily for me to drive to and from school, is a stick shift. Unfortunately, I SUCK at driving stick, which we really should have tried to find out BEFORE purchasing the vehicle. At first, my mom was very chill, very, "Oh, every beginner goes through this, you'll be driving with ease in no time." Now she's a little more frantic, because I really, really suck.

Part of this, I do have to say, is my mom's fault, because my mother's teaching style and my learning style do not mesh at all. My mother is very much, "Oh you've got to feel it. You can feel how much to let off the clutch. You can feel when you need to shift gears. Just feel what to do."

I'm like, "I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO."

"I can't tell you what to do. You have to listen to the car. The car will tell you what you need to do."

"I DON'T SPEAK CAR, MOTHER."

And then I nearly started to cry, so Mom and I switched. She started the car and did...something...and said, "See how that sounded? Now I'll do it the wrong way," and did...something else...and it sounded EXACTLY THE SAME. "See the difference?"

"...no?"

She sighed. "Okay, let me try it again," and then the car went SPLUTTER SPLUTTER COUGH and died.

"OOOH, I heard it!" But apparently, that was an accident. ::shrug::

About a third of the time, I can start the car and get it moving forward. God as my witness, I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I do differently that one third of the time. It just happens.

::sob::

So...

I'm kind of really into Mac/PC fanfic write now. ::blush:: But if anyone else shares my sickness, have some Mac/PC fanfic recs. At least they aren't brothers?

Started the second summer session today (finished the first up last Thursday). My teachers seem like they'll be fine (though my history prof speaks SO SOFTLY. I was in the first row and I could barely hear him) and I'm really not looking to 6 weeks of near-constant school, but I need these classes, so I'll deal. :)

Am trying to decide between taking a history class, an English class, and a sewing class. I kinda need the English class, the history class would be useful, and there's no reason to take the sewing class except I want to sew my own clothes. If I was a good girl, I'd take the English class, but...I'm not always a good girl. I have a week to decide, though.

Wah, my mom's was gone for three days last week, will be gone for three days this week, and will be gone all next week. I MISS HER.

Dear Ladies in the Supermarket:

So you can't imagine why a mother would buy Top Romen for her children? No, I guess you can't. You've probably never experienced the pain of realizing that after you pay your bills and rent, you've only got $25 dollars to feed four kids for a week. You've probably never had to make a decision between paying the electricity bill or buying school supplies. You've probably never had to swallow your pride and go down to the local charitable food pantry, where there's pretty much only packaged and canned foods. You've probably never been in the position of having enough income to not qualify for government aid, but too little to actually support a family.

And I'm glad. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. My family lived that for years and years, and it sucked out loud. But maybe you could have just a tincy bit of empathy for those who do live there?

Top Romen is ten cents a package. It fills you up. It may not be healthy, but it's a heck of a lot cheaper and lasts longer in your tummy than, say, an apple. Most moms who buy it for their kids aren't horrible, neglectful parents who don't care if their kids get fat.

Just thought you should know,

Erin

So I love my mom, but her friends drive me nuts.

Some of the churches in the area had a get-together for pastors and their families. I hate those types of things, but I went because my mom asked me to. Eck.

I ended up sitting next to a total asshat, the pastor of a non-denominational pentecostal church. I'm not exactly sure how we got on the topic, but we started talking about the trinity and the gender of God. He was pontificating about how God has to be male "because He said that He is," and Jesus was male (which, hey, I wasn't arguing that Jesus wasn't). I told him that I didn't believe the trinity was literal, that I felt it was more of a metaphor God gave us in order to understand him better, because there isn't a human equivelent or even human words to fully explain or grasp who God is. He got a weird look and said, "Young lady, that's a heresy," and waited expectantly, like I should immediately have gone, "Oh my gosh! Not a heretic! Thanks for showing me the light!" He turned to my mom and said, in the most condescending tone imaginable, "Your daughter has some interesting ideas." I kind of wanted to hit him, but my mom was sending me major "let it go" vibes. BLEAH.

And, shock of shocks, no one mentioned abortion, evolution or gay marriage the entire time, so I didn't get in any fights or embarrass my mom! (Well, other than the douche above, but he started it, and it was a little thing.)

PS: My brother brought head lice home from school and shared with the entire family (except for Dad, lucky bastard). *insert wailing and gnashing of teeth* Guess it's time for the annual lice infestation...it seems that no matter how careful we are, SOMEONE brings home lice at least once a year.

I'm now trying to decide whether to cut my hair (which I've been growing out for the past year) to make it easier to get rid of the lice, or just tough it out. Leaning towards toughing it out, but we'll see how long it takes for me to get frustrated and just chop it all off. I'm pretty allergic to the lice shampoos (not that they work, most strains of lice are resistant), so the only way to really get rid of them is to douse my head in vinegar (loosens up the eggs) and pull everything out individually with a comb. I have very thick, curly hair, and this takes HOURS. SIGH.

Dad bought Ben & Jerry's to make us feel better, so hey, silver lining.

Just got kicked out of my Spanish class. First time I've ever been kicked out of a class before.

I have my phone on vibrate because my aunt stopped taking her medication (anti-psychotics and anti-depressants) and flushed them all down the toilet, which means she is headed very quickly for a complete breakdown. Sure enough, partway through class I got a call, and slipped out quietly. I talked to her for about 15 minutes, then came back into class.

My professor was Not Pleased. She asked why I left--which I thought was pretty damn distracting to the rest of the class, much more so than my quick exit--so I told her that my aunt was off her medication and thought my mom was trying to strangle her. She asked if I left class to take a phone call, I said, yeah, technically, and she said that if I had that little respect for her class I could just leave. So I did.

*sigh*

Grandpa is out of the hospital, which is good, though he refuses to change his diet, which is bad, and so I'm sure he'll be back in the hospital again soon. Congestive Heart Failure is controllable if you cut your sodium and take your medicine, but unfortunately, Grandpa figures he's eaten the same foods for 89 years and he's not about to stop now. It's his choice, but I know my mom is really scared for him.

Even though the visit was for a bad reason, I had a good time in Anaheim. I met mizzmarvel, which was awesome. There are, like, three people on the planet that I can talk BSC slash with, so it was cool to meet one in person.

The ride home took FOREVER. Mom decided to do some sightseeing as we drove back, which wouldn't have been a problem, except the road she took was super curvy, and I spent the next hour puking intermittently. (Thanks, Mom.) We were hoping to be home by 7pm, but we pulled into Salinas (about 2-3 hours from my house) at six thirty. So we figured we'd go see V. and her mom. (I've talked about V. before.)

Call it God, luck, karma, or coincidence, but V. had a complete breakdown that evening, so bad that her mother was considering putting her in a mental hospital. My mom tried to calm her down, her mom tried to calm her down, and her therapist was trying to help via phone. (I was in the restaurant waiting for them the whole time.) Finally, my mom grabbed me, filled me in, and asked if I could help. Having been exactly where V. was (completely depressed, crying, shaking, unable to stop), I was able to talk her down and get her through it. Hopefully, I was able to give her mom some tips on how to deal if/when it happens again. So that was all really good, but we didn't get home until after midnight.

Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts, y'all. And if you could remember V. and her mom, that would be awesome. :)

I feel like all I do in this journal is whine. Sorry, y'all. There hasn't been a lot of fun, fandom stuff in a while. I am writing (three BSC fics, one Animorphs fic), but it's slow going.

My job sucks. The actual job is fine. I mean, I deal with shitty customers, but that's no big. No, what sucks in the management. This is the WORST managed store I've ever worked at. OMG. Very mean, very stupid people. (I have met some really nice people, though.) I don't know how long I'm going to keep working there...it's not worth the stress, and I'm not able to keep up with all my responsibilities. I'm trying to get my hours cut back, but if they can't do that, I might have to quit. *sigh*

And that brings me to my newest life change. I've talked a bit about my auntie. She has alzheimers. Now mom reassured me over and over that I was not going to be asked to take care of my aunt. They were going to make other arrangements. I was going to have a "normal" 20-something life...school, work, friends, social life. Under no circumstances was I going to be in another live-in, elder care situation.

...

You can see where I'm going with this, I'm sure.

In the next month or so, I will be moving in with my aunt. I put my foot down and insisted on a two-bedroom apartment, and we think that we've found a good place (near my mother's work, bottom floor, a pool, pretty surroundings, pet friendly). It's kinda small, but I can deal. It's just. I had finally started to believe that my life was starting again. I guess the universe just doesn't want me to have a social life.

The big difference between Grandma and Aunt Dot, is that Aunt Dot is in perfect health. She has the body of a healthy sixty years old, and the mind of, oh, a five year old. So she could conceivably live for another ten years, at least. This is not a short-term thing. This is the responsibility equivalent of having a baby. A very large baby.

Oh, listen to me whine. I love my Aunt, and I want to do this for her. And it will be nice to have my own place again. I need to get some sleep. :)

I broke down and saw my old psychiatrist and asked for medication, because I am SO tired of the mood swings and severe depression. I'd like a day where I don't contemplate swallowing a bottle of pills, thank you very much. And while I don't like how I feel on drugs, I don't like feeling suicidal and anxious more.

The doctor said than since my psychological problems are caused by PMDD, he feels that he can't help me, and I should see my OB/GYN. Okay. So I saw my OB/GYN, who said that the only treatment she could give me is estrogen, but because of another medical condition, she can't give me any.

::rips hair out::

I understand the difficulty, but OMG I just want to stop feeling this way.

My therapist has been super cool. He gently suggested going to a "facility" for help (read: mental hospital). Which, no. First, because I did the hospital thing and it was the worst experience of my life, and second, because while a hospital stay is confidential during your childhood, I can kiss government service, adoption, and a host of other things goodbye if I go in as an adult.

***

In other news, here is a funny joke:

How many Nazarenes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One woman to screw in the bulb and five men to sit around discussing the church lighting policy.

SO TRUE. Don't know if this works for, say, Baptists, but this is so scarily true for every Nazarene church I've ever been a part of. :) (My mother, after hearing the joke, could name four occasions off the top of her head just like that, except they involved a shed, a doorknob, lemonade, and a felt board.)

I'm in a weird place musically right now. I picked up the 4 Non Blondes CD for a dollar at a garage sale, and have been listening to it pretty much nonstop since. I <3 Linda Perry, I'd forgotten how much. When I'm not listening to that, I've been listening to a lot of Smash Mouth, CCR, and the Wicked soundtrack. *eyeroll* Confused music for a confused girl, I guess.

***

My therapist said there are five stages of grief, and I like his better than the ones I learned in school. 1) Numbness, 2) Anger/resentment, 3) Bargaining/guilt, 4) More anger/resentment, and finally 5) Acceptance. He said it'll probably take a couple months before I get to number five. I'm kind of bouncing between one and three right now.

***

I registered for classes today. It seems unreal. I can't believe my life has changed so much in such a short amount of time. I'm only taking 14 units -- Comparative Religions, Critical Thinking, Biology, and Spanish -- but I want to jump back in slowly. I only took Tuesday/Thursday classes, so I can work the rest of the week (that is, if I get a job), which means I get to school at 9am and don't leave until 10pm. Dad wants me to get mace certified and carry a can to and from the bus stop, but I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.