Christmas day will be the first anniversary of my grandmother's death.

This year, as I was making out Christmas lists, I thought, "What am I going to get Grandma?" and then realized, "Oh. Yeah."

My Dad has been like a little boy all season, wanting to do every single holiday thing, from helping with the baking, to caroling, to visiting San Francisco for the toy store and the Nutcracker, to watching all eight versions of "The Christmas Carol" that we own. He doesn't feel like we celebrated Christmas last year (which is totally true, we spent the holiday season taking care of Grandma), so he wants to make up for it this year. I think he's also trying to forget or push down all the sadness he feels about his first Christmas without his mom. :(

Day after Christmas, we're going to southern California to see all of our extended family. For the first time ever, my mother had to make hotel reservations, because Grandpa is dead and we can't stay at his house. She sat at her computer and cried while she made them. My whole life, Christmas has meant all of our family gathered at Grandpa's house.

Sorry to be so emo. It just hit me all of a sudden.

I'm trying to process something my mother said. Quote:

"I'm glad your grandfather died before he found out that you're a lesbian. Not that I think he would ever have stopped loving you, but he wouldn't have understood. He wouldn't have known what to do, and that would have hurt him, because he would have wanted to fix it."

Okay. So I feel a little offended, and a lot sad, and guilty. Guilty because I've had that exact same thought, and I did always think in my mind, "I'll come out when Grandma and Grandpa are dead, because they wouldn't understand." And I feel like I lied to them. I feel like I should have trusted at least my Grandpa, who was very sharp up until the moment he died.

I have no idea why Mom said that, and I had no response. I just said, "Oh," and she changed the subject, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Okay, rambly post with no real point. Huh.

I think a viewing is a creepy-ass custom, and I'm putting it into my will that I don't want my family having one when I die. Sitting around in a room with a dead body? Ew. I think it's a great idea to sit around and talk with old family and friends about the person who has passed on, but you don't need to have the dead person RIGHT THERE. ::shudder:: I couldn't handle it for very long, so my brother and I took off from the viewing early, which is sad, because I missed a lot of good conversation. But I figure you could do all that over dinner or something. It's not like the dead person is listening in!

Grandpa's funeral, on the other hand, was lovely. It was very respectful and provided some measure of closure. I met some of my mother's old friends, which was nice.

My grandfather was a wonderful man. I'm trying to pull together some thoughts to write about him, but I don't know how to express everything I'm feeling right now.

I really miss him. :(

My mom has an LJ now! (patti_lynn, if you want to check it out...she only has one post up so far, but it's a good one.)

Which leaves me with a bit of a dilemma...Mom says that she's not going to go through my LJ (and I believe her), so I feel OK leaving comments in her journal, etc., but not so much with friending her right now. Because while I know my mom loves me unconditionally, it might make her a wee bit uncomfortable when she sees, oh, gay incest porn on her flist. :)

So, for all you tech savvy folks out there...

1) How does the filter thing work? Could I keep her from reading my fanfic, or does that only work for friendslocked posts? Because I really don't want to flock my fanfic; this is the only place I have it posted on the web.

2) Is it possible to transfer a bunch of posts from this LJ to another? I'm thinking of leaving this journal for fandom/fanfic stuff and making a separate, personal journal that I can use to interact w/ mom. How hard is that to do?

Thanks, y'all!

(PS: Tonight is the viewing and tomorrow is the funeral. Some stuff is better--my little brother isn't so clingy, my mom isn't crying all the time anymore--and some stuff is worse--my oldest little brother brought pot with him and keeps sneaking out in the backyard to light up...and I am not telling my mom that, she has enough to deal with...and my Aunt with the Alzhiemers is so fully of crazy right now, OMG. I took over dealing with her, because my mom just can't handle it, and my dad/brothers don't have the patience. Thanks for all your prayers and love, guys! I have the best flist ever. ^_^)

We're staying in Anaheim at my grandfather's place at least through next Tuesday (his funeral is Monday evening). Mom and my uncle have a bajillion details to work out so my parents are gone all day...there's really nothing for my brothers and I to do, so we've been chilling at Grandpa's house, trying to decide if it's disrespectful to go to the beach or something. ::shrug::

My youngest brother is having a really hard time dealing with all this. He's had nightmares every night (I'm sharing a bed with him, and I've got the bruises to prove it). He always wants to be in someone's lap or at least in physical contact with someone. Grandma's death was really hard for him, and with Grandpa's death coming so soon after...

I'm pretty numb...I'm sure it'll sink in eventually, probably after the funeral like with Grandma. My aunt wanted me to sing at Grandpa's funeral, and I told her that while I would love to, realistically I know that there's no way I could get through a song, especially "It Is Well With My Soul" which was Grandpa's favorite (he always asked me to sing that song when we were together).

My Mom is having a really hard time. She and Grandpa were very, very close. He's been her father and mother for over 20 years, now. (Sweet story: after I was born, she had a lot of complications from the delivery, and my father was working all the time. Grandpa took her to all her OB/GYN appointments and even took me in to get my shots and blood tests because my mom couldn't stand to listen to me cry.) They talked 3-4 times a week on the phone, more if Mom was going through something hard. Like she said, after she got the call that Grandpa had died and knew she needed to call people and tell them, the first person she thought of to call was Grandpa, because she always called him first when bad stuff happened. So she's been alternating between crying and sleeping, in between trying to work out all the details. :(

Sigh. I'm still trying to process all of this. I can't believe he's gone.

My grandpa is dead.

They said it was very peaceful. My uncle was with him and held his hand. They were talking, and he put his head back, closed his eyes, and died. I wish we had been with him, but I'm glad that my uncle was there.

From the time I was a young child and knew what death was, I expected my grandma to die. I never expected for her to live as long as she did. But somehow, I always thought my grandpa would live forever. He was such a rock in my life, in all our lives.

Part of me still doesn't believe this has happened.

My grandfather is in the hospital again. He is getting worse, and nothing they are doing is helping. His blood pressure is dropping and they can't get the fluid off his lungs. He has had two heart attacks in the last 24 hours. They don't expect him to live through this.

My mother and all of us kids are going to see him tonight. My dad has to clean up lose ends at work and then will follow us down. We're hoping that the doctors are wrong and that he'll get better but...realistically, he's 89 years old with a host of medical problems. So.

Please pray for my grandfather and our family. My mother especially is having a very hard time; she and her father are very close.