Christmas day will be the first anniversary of my grandmother's death.

This year, as I was making out Christmas lists, I thought, "What am I going to get Grandma?" and then realized, "Oh. Yeah."

My Dad has been like a little boy all season, wanting to do every single holiday thing, from helping with the baking, to caroling, to visiting San Francisco for the toy store and the Nutcracker, to watching all eight versions of "The Christmas Carol" that we own. He doesn't feel like we celebrated Christmas last year (which is totally true, we spent the holiday season taking care of Grandma), so he wants to make up for it this year. I think he's also trying to forget or push down all the sadness he feels about his first Christmas without his mom. :(

Day after Christmas, we're going to southern California to see all of our extended family. For the first time ever, my mother had to make hotel reservations, because Grandpa is dead and we can't stay at his house. She sat at her computer and cried while she made them. My whole life, Christmas has meant all of our family gathered at Grandpa's house.

Sorry to be so emo. It just hit me all of a sudden.

Grandma's memorial service was yesterday. It was...nice. There were a lot of tears, but there was also a lot of laughter. We got to hear some lovely memories that everyone had of Grandma, and I heard some stories, got a better insight into who she was, than I ever had before.

Grandma wrote a book of her memories down, that we found when cleaning out her apartment. It's been amazing to read what she wrote of her life. One of things that really struck me was what she said about her faith. In her own words, "I got saved at sixteen, but it didn't take." She was a very take-charge, independent woman...she had to be, to raise five kids by herself with no support. After she finished raising her kids, when they were all married and independent, was when she really began to take her faith seriously. It was then that she really made a decision to be a Christian, and was baptized. But she couldn't let herself be vulnerable until her kids were taken care of.

My Grandma wasn't a crier. Until the dementia hit, I had never seen her cry. My uncle said she was like that when they were kids, as well. One of the only times he saw her cry, he said, was when he was fifteen. She came into his room one night, and said, "If you ever get a girl pregnant, I'll--" and then burst into tears. Daddy said that the only time he ever saw her cry was when he was in sixth grade. He was a terror at school, a very angry kid, and was getting into a lot of trouble. One night, Grandma pulled him on her lap, burst into tears, and sobbed, "If you don't stop, they're going to take you away from me." According to Daddy, that was a major turning point in his life.

( Further reflections... )

Grandma passed away at 6 AM, Christmas morning. My mother was in the room with her and said it was a peaceful death. She just...stopped breathing.

We spent Christmas with the family, talking about Grandma and the different memories we have of her. It was nice. Her death wasn't any sort of a shock. We were sad, but also relieved that Grandma was no longer in pain. It's been hard to watch her struggle for every breath. It sounds trite, but she really is in a better place, now, in a body that doesn't hurt.

We're going to have a small memorial service at our church, but the extended family won't be able to attend (or they don't want to make themselves available). Later in the year, we're going to take Grandma's ashes back to her hometown in Kansas, where her brother and parents are burried.

My father is handling this better than I expected. He's sad, of course, and is afraid he made the wrong decision by not putting her on life support. But on the whole, he's doing well for a man who just lost his only parent. My mother is handling this a lot worse than expected...she spent most of yesterday crying and sleeping. And I just feel like I've been punched in the gut.

Rest in Jesus' arms, Grandma. I love you.

Thanks for the support, everyone.

Yesterday, Grandma had a stroke at around 5 pm. She pitched over into her pantry. I came over to help her, thinking that she had just fallen, and realized she couldn't move her arm. (At that point, I though she had broken her arm in the fall). I carried her to my bed, which was nearby, and realized she couldn't move her left side at all, and she was moaning. So I called 911. We're right next to the fire station, so there were paramedics at the apartment in less than five minutes.

After arriving at the hospital, they wouldn't let us see Grandma. They did a bunch of tests, and we were told that she had a massive stroke, affecting her entire right hemisphere. The only option was a very risky procedure to minimize the stroke. They pumped a bunch of blood thinner into the two affected arteries, and then used an instrument (the doctor said it was like a wire basket) to break up the clot and pull it out. They were able to remove about 2/3rds of the clot.

She lived through the procedure and the night, which we weren't sure was going to happen. She very easily could have started to bleed in her brain. Thank God she didn't. We spent the day with her, and she was kept sedated all day. Her left leg is moving, but her left arm is still completely paralyzed. She still has a breathing tube--they tried to remove it, but couldn't. She also has a feeding tube. If she doesn't get better, Mom and Dad will have to start making decisions about whether to continue prolonging her life--they already had to make the big decision to sign a Do Not Resuscitate order. That was very hard on Dad, but we know that's what Grandma wants. :(

At this point, it's still touch and go. We don't know the extent of the stroke. Because of the amount of blood thinner, bleeding to death is a strong possibility. And we don't know if she's ever going to be able to breathe or eat on her own. Those are the things that we're praying for right now.

Her fucking kids (other than my dad) aren't going to come see her (it's the holidays, they're too busy), and they just want Dad to make all the tough calls. If I ever got a call that my Mom had a stroke, nothing could keep me away. I just don't get it.

Again, thank you for your prayers. We've really been able to see God's hand in this. The hospital has been amazing, she's getting excellent care, and the ICU doc last night was the same doc she had during her last hospital stay--even though she's at a different hospital! My Dad is handling this much better than I thought he would, and even though we're all worried and sad, there is a sense of peace surrounding the whole experience. We were all able to tell Grandma we loved her before she went under last night, and she told us (my dad and I) that she loved us.

I'll write more when I know more.

Grandma had a massive stroke. I'll post more when I have time. Prayers, good thoughts, etc. would all be appriciated.

Dear Grandma,

GO TO SLEEP OMG.

*weeps*

Love,

Your exhausted Granddaughter.

{PS: It's FOUR-FUCKING-AM. WHAT.)

I feel bad, but when I hear someone say that the Bible is without error, I have a hard time respecting their theological opinions. It's an automatic turn-off for me, something that makes me inclined to disregard anything they say. After all, if you don't care enough about the bible to honesty study it--which would reveal the many contradictions and scientific errors throughout--than why should I listen to what you have to say about it? And if you want to create massively illogical theories on why there really aren't any errors in the bible (for example: "in Jesus's day, the mustard seed was the smallest seed, and God created the other smaller seeds later"), why would I pay attention to your theology, which is probably just as convoluted and baseless?

But then, there are people who automatically disregard anything I have to say because I don't believe the bible is without error, so whatever. I guess the split between liberal and conservative Christians won't be healed anytime soon.

And now for a drastic change in topic...

I've been away for the last few days because Grandma has been in the hospital with Congestive Heart Failure. Her dementia has increased incredibly since the stay in the hospital and she's very frail. On the plus side, she's forgotten that she smokes, and the nicotine patches are working great! I haven't had any attitude from her, and she used to go crazy if she went more than 4 hours without a cigarette. She's been smoking for 71 years, so I know it won't do much, but it will probably make her more comfortable.

We had to change the house completely around since her hospital stay. Hospice came out and provided a hospital bed, wheelchair, and other medical accessories. They're also sending out a visiting nurse and giving Grandma the good drugs. I feel like I've been doing my job blindfolded and handcuffed up until now. Mom is worried that I have too much work to do, but I'm trying to convince her that even though Grandma needs more care, having the right equipment and medicine makes me job sooo much easier. :)

My grandmother had a doctor's appointment today. Now, my Grandma can hardly walk, and she gets very confused in unfamiliar, loud, crowded areas. It's obvious that somethings wrong, as she clings to me, staggers, mumbles, and looks around anxiously the entire time. Today, as we're walking to the office, this group of teens started pointing at her and loudly laughing at her. What the fuck. Why would you do that to someone? I almost said something, but I was afraid it would make things worse, so I just hustled Grandma away from them as quickly as possible. Grandma hasn't said anything about it, so I'm hoping she was too out of it to notice. :(

In other news, I've completely stopped worrying about dieting. I exercise because it makes me feel good, and I eat relatively well, but I'm not cutting carbs and I'll damn well butter my toast if I want to. And I've lost 10 pounds. That's it. I gain weight when I go on a strict no-carb diet and exercise like a maniac, but I ease off on the exercise (3 times a week as opposed to 6 times a week) and eat what I want, and I lose weight. I don't get it.

I have been reading and enjoying many of the book recs y'all gave me.

mizzmarvel: Juniper was awesome, and I'm waiting for Wise Child to come.

moon_peonies: I loved Luna. Boy Meets Boy was...weird. Good, but kind of odd. It took me awhile to get into it.

felinephoenix: OMG RUNAWAYS IS SO COOL.

rainbowgoddess: I just started Travelling Mercies. There were like 90 copies at the library...I found out Anne Lammott lives around here. So far, I like it. Bitchfest was great.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. You all are saving my life. And I have so many more books to go! :)

I started a grandma blog, as I thought it would be the easiest way to keep in touch with our family. Also, I didn't want this LJ to get taken over with grandma stuff. So from now on, all things grandma will be at grandma_and_me.

My younger brother bought a Play Station 2. Unfortunately, my parents have a very strict No Vidio Games In the House rule. Fortunately, I don't live at home, so I GOT THE PS2. HA! Final Fantasy X bores the hell out of me, but I'm really getting into Soul Calibur II. Somehow, it's very soothing to pick up the controller and kick things. (Um. In a loving, Christian way, of course.) The best perk is that it plays DVDs, so I now have a DVD player, and am currently in the middle of an X-files marathon.

Grandma continues to deteriorate. We had planned a trip to southern California (kind of a last visit, a way for her to see some of her children, grandchildren, siblings, etc. as many of them live in the L.A. area) but she's now too sick to travel, and her doctor doesn't anticipate her getting any better. We're trying to encourage people to come visit, but I don't think the rest of the family understands how dire this is. It seems crass to send out, I don't know, a video or something so they can see how sick she is, but I'm running out of ideas.

Thank you all for the reading suggestions. I'll make another post later regarding some books I've discovered (or rediscovered). I'm thinking of making a standing book recs list.

PS: guided_by_grace makes me want to convert. My mother is deeply grateful to lasa, as her logic kept me from making any rash decisions. I had to promise to stay away from discussions of Christian feminism for a while. :)

Grandma is very sick, and it looks like she won't be living for much longer. I ended up quitting school because I can't away from the house very long. I was hoping to get into a couple online classes, but the money I had for a laptop fell through (long story that I can't go into right now...I will when it's resolved) and so I am now a 24/7 caretaker and LOOSING MY MIND. I sneak down to the library and use their computers when I have a chance, which is why my posting has been so sporadic.

If I've missed something, I'm sorry, it's not intentional. If you really want me to see a particular post, PLEASE email me.

Since I'm not in school, I've gotten a chance to catch up on my reading. Sir Apropos of Nothing and Knight Life by Peter David are both good, though the sequels weren't as great. I also read The Whole Woman by Germaine Greer and was struck by how sometimes I would wholeheartedly agree with her, and sometimes I thought she was completely nuts. One chapter I loved her, the next chapter I thought she should be shot. Weird. At the very least, she inspired a lot of emotion, which is I guess the mark of a good author. :)

And a plea, friends. Please rec me some books! I'm stuck in a house all day long, and I'm getting tired of Dr. Phil. I'm looking specifically for gay/lesbian books (fiction or non-fiction), sci-fi/fantasy, and young adult books. I would prefer light-hearted, easy reads, but I'm desperate for anything at this point. :)

How is everyone else doing?

School is going well. My Spanish professor and my History professor are both cool, and class is really fun and interesting. My sociology prof, on the other hand, is an asshole. Also, his class is boring as hell, which sucks because I find sociology fascinating. It's sad when the textbook is more interesting than the teacher. I have a gorgeous commute, though, and even though it's 2 hours long, it's a pretty two hours. I'm thinking of bringing a camera along sometime and posting pictures.

My grandma is doing okay. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. She's been kind of angry with me recently--I think she's just chaffing under the knowledge that she needs help.

I've fallen head first into Terry Pratchett. I don't know how I've lived this long without him. I've also been reading a lot of feminist texts (yay for a big school library) and an essay is formulating. I'll probably post on it in a few days.

PS: Readers of christianitysex will understand when I say that raven55 makes me drop to my knees and thank God for making me a lesbian. :)

Well, I've been living with Grandma for over two weeks now. In some ways, it's been an easier transition than I thought, and in others, it's been very difficult. I had known that Grandma was failing both mentally and physically (which is why I moved in) but I had no idea it was so severe. I wish we had the money for professional care because I know I'm not at all qualified to deal with the multitude of issues she has, but we don't.

( About Grandma. Cut for length and some age-related grossness. )

So that's what's going on in my life, and why I haven't been to a computer in a week. I am still writing (Ax/Tobias epic and a sequel to the Richard/Logan story I wrote awhile back) but I have no idea when anything is going to be finished.

School is about ready to start, and I'm thrilled. I'm just taking basic gen-ed classes, but I think it will be fun. I'm only taking 12 units, but I'm working more than full-time at Grandma's so I'm sure that's good for right now. It's still full-time so I can keep my medical insurance, but I don't think I could maintain anymore than 12. I am taking:

Intro to Sociology
Marriage, Sex and Family
History of Western Civilization
Spanish I

Very basic classes, but I can't wait. I also got all my textbooks for less than $100 on Amazon, which made me a VERY happy girl.