Eppy ([info]lizzypaul) wrote,
@ 2007-02-02 21:45:00
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Current mood: tired
Entry tags:family, job, real life

And the wheel, it keeps on turning.
I feel like all I do in this journal is whine. Sorry, y'all. There hasn't been a lot of fun, fandom stuff in a while. I am writing (three BSC fics, one Animorphs fic), but it's slow going.

My job sucks. The actual job is fine. I mean, I deal with shitty customers, but that's no big. No, what sucks in the management. This is the WORST managed store I've ever worked at. OMG. Very mean, very stupid people. (I have met some really nice people, though.) I don't know how long I'm going to keep working there...it's not worth the stress, and I'm not able to keep up with all my responsibilities. I'm trying to get my hours cut back, but if they can't do that, I might have to quit. *sigh*

And that brings me to my newest life change. I've talked a bit about my auntie. She has alzheimers. Now mom reassured me over and over that I was not going to be asked to take care of my aunt. They were going to make other arrangements. I was going to have a "normal" 20-something life...school, work, friends, social life. Under no circumstances was I going to be in another live-in, elder care situation.

...

You can see where I'm going with this, I'm sure.

In the next month or so, I will be moving in with my aunt. I put my foot down and insisted on a two-bedroom apartment, and we think that we've found a good place (near my mother's work, bottom floor, a pool, pretty surroundings, pet friendly). It's kinda small, but I can deal. It's just. I had finally started to believe that my life was starting again. I guess the universe just doesn't want me to have a social life.

The big difference between Grandma and Aunt Dot, is that Aunt Dot is in perfect health. She has the body of a healthy sixty years old, and the mind of, oh, a five year old. So she could conceivably live for another ten years, at least. This is not a short-term thing. This is the responsibility equivalent of having a baby. A very large baby.

Oh, listen to me whine. I love my Aunt, and I want to do this for her. And it will be nice to have my own place again. I need to get some sleep. :)


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[info]mizzmarvel
2007-02-03 05:59 am UTC (link)
You are quite an awesome person, you know that? Your family is really lucky to have you. *hugs*

Also, I am glad to hear that you're writing. I'm rather greedily waiting for the Jeff companion to the Byron fic you wrote a while back.

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[info]lizzypaul
2007-02-03 11:09 pm UTC (link)
Oh, thanks.

The Jeff story is giving me trouble, which is weird because I wrote the Byron fic in, like, an hour. But I'm working on a B/J first time fic, and the sequel to that Richard/Logan story I wrote a year ago.

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[info]christianblog
2007-02-03 09:37 am UTC (link)
You know, I think you're awesome too, but you don't want to rush into this Eppy. Your love and care is deeply impressive. It's a lesson to many people here in the UK who maybe too willingly delegate the care of vulnerable relatives to others, so they can get on with their own lives.

And this option of caring for your Aunt may be very very right.

At the same time, something inside me screams for you to get out and create and enjoy your own life. I don't understand the situation I guess. I don't understand why it has to be you. I don't understand why people assume it has to be you. But I don't know your situation from the inside so that's not a criticism of anyone, truly.

I guess I just don't understand, but I *long* for you to somehow find a more independent lifestyle, to socialise with friends like many people do, to find a woman you truly love and who loves you.

...sighs...

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[info]lasa
2007-02-03 03:39 pm UTC (link)
As I find myself doing so often, I so agree with you, Christianblog.

Eppy, a little piece of me wonders if this is your family's solution to your sexuality - if you're taking care of elders, then it's that much more difficult for you to become independent, socialize and fall in love. But I might be totally off here, and if I am, I apologize.

Twenties are a really important time - it's when you really discover who you are, how you work in relationships, and where your passions are. Perhaps this is your place - and maybe you've discovered that. Maybe it is very right, and it will be a blessing to both you and your aunt.

My real hope and desire for you is that, knowing both the blessings and sacrifices of your choice, you can be peaceful with your decision.

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[info]lizzypaul
2007-02-03 11:37 pm UTC (link)
Eppy, a little piece of me wonders if this is your family's solution to your sexuality - if you're taking care of elders, then it's that much more difficult for you to become independent, socialize and fall in love.

There is a little truth in that. My father and my uncle both said that this a good, long-term solution because, quote: "it's not like you're going to get married." ::shrug::

My real hope and desire for you is that, knowing both the blessings and sacrifices of your choice, you can be peaceful with your decision.

I don't think I could live with myself if my aunt had to go stay in a skanky nursing home. So in that sense, I'll be peaceful with this decision.

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[info]lizzypaul
2007-02-03 11:30 pm UTC (link)
I don't understand why it has to be you. I don't understand why people assume it has to be you.

It has to be me because I'm the only one who will do it. My aunt doesn't have any children. Lots of neices and nephews, but no children. And none of her other neices and nephews are willing to take care of her. My mother wants to, but she can't because a) our house is way too small and b) my father really, really doesn't want her to come live with them. And since I took care of my grandma, everyone figures this is the perfect solution.

I don't think it's a perfect solution, but I saw the nursing home (which is really the only other option) and I am not going to put my aunt there. No way.

but I *long* for you to somehow find a more independent lifestyle, to socialise with friends like many people do, to find a woman you truly love and who loves you.

Sigh. And that's the one thing that makes me...sad, I guess...about this whole thing. I was really hoping to be able to meet people my own age. And I do want to have a relationship with someone. I want to have a family, kids someday. Part of me is worried that Aunt Dot's life is going to take over mine, and I'm never going to be able to make connections. But that's a really selfish thing, compared to what my aunt is going through.

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[info]christianblog
2007-02-04 01:21 am UTC (link)
You are amazing. Exceptional. Think things through. And whatever you decide, I pray that Godde will bless you Eppy.

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[info]pumagrrl
2007-02-03 01:17 pm UTC (link)
You're one of the most caring people I know. Not many would be willing to do what you're doing.
Will you be able to continue your education while taking care of your aunt?

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[info]lizzypaul
2007-02-03 11:40 pm UTC (link)
Will you be able to continue your education while taking care of your aunt?

I should be able to. There's an adult daycare center that takes a few finanically disadvantaged people a year, and I'm hoping I'll be able to get her in that program, which would free up my days for school. Plus, online classes.

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[info]pumagrrl
2007-02-03 11:57 pm UTC (link)
That sounds good. I hope she gets to be in that program, it would be good for her to have a social life as well.

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[info]lordhellebore
2007-02-03 01:31 pm UTC (link)
I admire you for doing this, mostly because I know I could never do it. our family is very lucky to have you.

But I'm also wondering if you'll be able to continue your education, like [info]pumagrrl. Or will you stand there with nothing when one day, your aunt will die eventually? Are you the only person in your family who could do this?

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[info]lizzypaul
2007-02-03 11:41 pm UTC (link)
Like I said above, I should be able to keep up with my education. Hopefully.

And while I'm not the only person in my family who could do this, I'm the only person who is willing to do it.

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